


left blank

by Himrqwerty



Category: Pentatonix
Genre: 10 is sexless, 11 is not, Alcohol, Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avi is a sensitive sensitive man, Binge Drinking, Coming Untouched, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Optional Smut, Panic Attacks, Rimming, Soul Bond, Suicidal Tendencies, Tattoos, all sex is in chapter 11, drinking to get drunk, not really even sex, not the doctors 10 or 11, punching bag, soul mate tattoo, the chapters, there are stars, when have one trope when you can have ALL THE TROPES, working out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-10-30 01:53:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10866564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Himrqwerty/pseuds/Himrqwerty
Summary: Avi runs the coffee shop and Mitch is a regular, writing music and singing. Avi falls in love with his singing, but he doesn’t have a soulmate tattoo and this boy is too perfect not to have a soulmate already, or if he doesn’t, there’s a perfect one waiting, but he wants to be friends with this little bird.





	1. Chapter 1

Avi unlocks the door and walks in, not at all ready for the day. It’s been odd already — not bad or good or stressful or relaxing, just odd. He’d fallen asleep in the shower last night and accidentally left some conditioner in his hair, so when he woke up, he had to wrestle with it. He was planning on it being a beanie day, but it was in a bun instead. His coffee machine took longer than usual to brew, but it was darker than usual, which is nice. It took him fifteen minutes to find his book because he’d left it outside, but that meant he got to read outside, which is nice.

So nothing exactly bad happened. It's just weird.

But Avi had higher hopes for the rest of the day. Even stepping into his little shop makes him feel better. It smells like coffee and cinnamon. He bought it from the previous owners, who had run the place into the ground. Avi didn’t get how they did it — with a perfect location and plenty of interest, Can’t Sleep Love basically runs itself. His regulars call it CSL, which Avi loves. It sounds official and important. He loves that people love it.

As he gets everything ready for opening — brewing the black coffee, starting the roaster, bringing in the fresh pastries — he sees a person at the door. With a glance at his watch — fifteen till — he gets ready to tell this person to kindly wait for a little, the bookstore next door is actually open and very lovely, but he sees that it’s Mitch.

Mitch is one of the regulars. He comes two or three times a week, orders something different every time (although Avi has noticed his affinity for vanilla and caramel), sits in the corner booth, and writes. Or something. Avi doesn’t actually know what Mitch is up to, but he knows that it involves a laptop and looking beautiful. Sometimes, Mitch sings, but only when it’s particularly crowded or he seems lost in thought.

Those are Avi’s favorite moments. Mitch looks so carefree when he sings, and he has a crystal-clear voice that sends tingles down Avi’s spine.

Mitch would be great at ASMR videos.

Seeing that it’s Mitch, Avi enthusiastically opens the door for him. Mitch falls inside, thanking him endlessly.

It’s been a weird day, Mitch explains. Not bad, just a little off.

Avi hums in agreement, mindlessly listening to Mitch as he starts another pot of black.

They talk about nothing until Avi’s watch beeps, letting him know that it’s time to open up. There isn’t a line or anything — this isn’t Starbucks — but he knows that people will be filing in soon, so he goes to flip the lock. Mitch gasps, and when Avi spins around, he looks embarrassed. “I’m so sorry — I didn’t realize you hadn’t opened yet!” He cries.

Avi chuckles and waves Mitch’s worries aside. “Please, I love talking with you. It’s much more fun than setting up in silence. Honestly, you probably did me a favor, letting me wake up a little before more people crowd in.” Mitch doesn’t look reassured, but Avi isn't lying. It's nice, being friends with Mitch.

He puts on the shop music — the first one that plays is called “Fields and Pier”. No one knows he sings, and he’d like to keep it that way, so he published the song under the name ‘Avriel’, hoping they were far enough apart that no one would guess the connection. It isn’t like it had that many views on YouTube, so he isn't that worried about it.

“Hey, what song is this?” Mitch asks.

“It’s — ah — it’s called Fields and Pier,” Avi answers, trying not to blush.

Mitch nods and types something out on his phone before returning to his laptop just as an exhausted-looking mother walks in. “Hey, Sherri. The regular? You look like Dave is being a bastard again. Want a double?”

This is how the day passes. Avi talks amicably with his customers, making coffee and hot chocolate and tea and loving it all. Mitch sits in the corner, the only constant throughout the day. When it gets quieter, after the lunch rush, Mitch moves over to sit next to Avi doing finance reports. They talk while Avi works.

At the end of the long day, Avi starts to wind the shop down, wiping down tables and sweeping the floor. Mitch stands, his things gathered into his satchel and stops Avi. “Hey there. I just, um. I just friended you on Facebook. I hope it isn’t weird because I already did it. I thought I would give you some heads up.” With that and nothing else, Mitch glides out of CSL into the dark night.

Avi checks the time. They had both been there for about twelve hours. He chuckles, locks up, and climbs the stairs to his apartment.

It’s Tuesday, which means he has to call his sister. She actually beats him to it, the phone ringing as he pries his shoes off his feet. As he answers, he collapses onto the couch, kicking his feet up and grunting his hello.

He wakes up the next morning with the phone still on his face, grimy teeth, and an aching back. Sleeping on the couch is a terrible idea.

Esther texted him around ten. It just said “man, you really need to hire someone. Sleep tight, and let the dragons plague your dreams.” He smiles. Esther is really the best sister ever. He’s so glad they haven’t drifted apart. He has around two hours to get ready — which is perfect. He starts up the coffee pot, brushes through his hair, and pulls out a book.

He reads for an hour, drinking smooth coffee and nibbling on a stale bagel. He really needs to go shopping.

He sighs, checking the time. He still has to get dressed and brush his teeth, but he has about twenty minutes before he has to actually get moving, so he pulls out his notebook and pen. Napkins and paper coasters fall out before he can flip to a blank page. Avi grumbles to himself about the lack of organizational abilities he has, shoving all of the scribbled song lyrics back into the front page of the book. As he begins writing a different ending for one of the many songs no one will ever hear, he remembers that he never looked at Facebook to see Mitch’s friend request. He instantly feels bad, even though it was only sent last night.

He opens up his computer, desperately clicking the Chrome icon to open up the site. When it finally loads, Avi clicks the “Accept” button and sends Mitch a quick message.

 _“Hi Mitch! Sorry_ it _took me so long to reply — I fell asleep while I called my sister last night. Will I be seeing you today in the shop? ”_

He waits a moment, expecting a quick reply before realizing it is only 6:30 am and most decent people were still asleep and also not on social media quite yet. He slowly shuts his laptop, reluctantly getting ready to head downstairs. As he brushes his teeth, he pulls on socks and his black beanie. He’s tempted to put on his leather jacket, but it’s usually pretty warm in the shop, so he leaves it on the dining room chair.

Avi barely remembers to tie his shoes before he runs down the stairs to open the shop.

It’s a boring day. It’s plenty busy, but not one exciting thing happens. No juicy gossip, no Mitch, no anything. He doesn’t mess up any drinks, but he does have a few crabby customers. Not anything to report to his mom, though.

Honestly, Avi is just sad he didn’t see Mitch. He’d checked his phone for a second but didn’t notice any notification from Facebook.

After climbing the stairs, he decides to collapse on his bed instead of the couch, his back protesting at even the thought of laying there. He sheds his t-shirt, staring at his blank chest in the mirror. The forest of chest hair couldn’t obscure the obvious. He doesn’t have a soul mate tattoo. It makes him sad still, but not the same heart-wrenching agony he felt when he didn’t get one when he was sixteen. People say that getting the tattoo hurts, burns and twists your skin into your true love’s first name.

Avi thinks not getting one probably hurt worse. His sixteenth birthday passed with agony, each moment an unreleased breath, each hour a stab to his fragile heart.

No one said anything when he never came crashing out his door, screaming and clutching his chest like his family expected. No one has ever said anything, which is almost worse than the comforting words they would have said otherwise.

There was no celebratory birthday cake that year, no candles, no gifts. The day was a black mark in Avi’s life, and he’d had trouble being happy on his birthday ever since.

Avi knew that other people lived life without a tattoo, and some of them even got married and lived happy lives. It’s just... Avi has always wanted to be a dad. And everyone knows that children can only happen with soul mates. Avi thinks he could probably be happy if it weren’t for that. Thinks he could like a regular life, without wistfully thinking of small clothes and dark hair.

Avi’s dark train of thought is interrupted by the quiet beep beep of his phone. It's the Facebook ringtone. His heart skipped a beat, hoping it's Mitch.

Wading through twenty notifications from distant family and friends, he finally got a message from Mitch.

_“Don’t worry at all!! I’ve heard having a job is a lot of work... lol. Seriously, don’t sweat it. I would’ve been in today, but I had a job interview! I might be around tomorrow, depending on what my schedule looks like!!!”_

Then, a moment later, _“How did I not know you have a sister?!”_

_“Ooooohh... where was the interview? How did it go? I’m excited to see you! My sister doesn’t live in town, so you’ve never met her. She’s pretty amazing - she’s working for some big record company in some important position.”_

_“That’s really cool! Good for her! If she’s anywhere near as awesome as her brother, I’m sure I’d love to meet her. My interview went okay... I don’t want to get too excited about it until something definitive comes back. It’s always when I’m pumped about something that it falls through, y’know?”_

Avi is definitely a little bummed, but he isn’t going to push Mitch into revealing where he interviewed if he doesn’t want to. “I’m sure she would love to meet you too! When she’s in town next, I’ll let you know.” Avi sends the message off as he winces to himself. It isn’t that he wanted to assume that Mitch is being anything other than polite, or that he is assuming they would be friends (?) long enough for Mitch to even get the chance. It’s that he really really wanted to assume both of those things.

He liked Mitch. A lot.

It ached, knowing that Mitch probably has a soul mate out there waiting for him if he doesn’t have one at home already. He’s too perfect to be missing such an integral part of himself.

There’s another Facebook notification, but Avi ignores it, opting instead to roll over and cry himself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avi is sad, then he sad more, then he sings.

He awakes groggily in the morning, and decides to take a shower instead of finishing his book, no matter how tempting it is to go to work looking disgusting. He turns the water a degree warmer than he usually likes to wash away all of the nightmares and following sweat that always accompanies thoughts of his missing tattoo.

After his long shower, Avi definitely doesn’t have time to read, but he does have time to sing. He doesn’t even bother pulling out his notebook — he knows exactly what he needs to feel better.

It isn’t angry or emotional or anything one might expect from him at this moment.

It’s quiet and soft, and it calms him in a way nothing else can. “Quarter Past Four,” a song he has yet to release from his new EP, was the first song he thought of. After the song is finished, his mind feels more normal, but there is one last thing he wants to do before he goes downstairs.

“Hey, Kevin... I know it’s been a while, but I was hoping that we could catch up sometime... If you have time today, you could stop in CSL, or we could hang out for realzies tomorrow... I miss you, man. We need some serious brother-time soon. Um. Let me know? Bye”

God, he misses Kevin. They met each other in choir freshman year of high school, both with out of place voices that made them nervous to shine. They quickly bonded, becoming brothers more than friends. Over the years, between college and starting a business, the two have become less attached at the hip, but they are still insanely close. Avi needs Kev’s positivity, and he knows that Kev will know that from the voicemail.

Avi heads downstairs, exhaustedly running his hand over his face. He really just doesn’t want this day to happen. Sometimes he thinks not sleeping at all would be better than sleeping like he did last night. It took more energy out of him than it gave him.

He’s sluggish today, which always leads to well-meant, but nonetheless irritating comments like “Wow! Maybe you need a cup of coffee,” which is an effective statement in that it annoys him so much that he wakes up to restrain himself from punching them.

At around five, no one has been in for an hour, and Avi is so beyond tempted to lock up early and go beat a punching bag into making him feel better, but he makes himself wait for the two hours before scheduled closing. The last thing he wants to do is put off a couple customers because he’s under the weather.

Esther is right. He really needs a reliable employee.

He’s glad he decided to wait around six, when Mitch comes stomping in, fluffing his hair with his hands and looking perfect in general.

‘He’s in a good mood,’ Avi thinks distantly. ‘Maybe the job interview went better than he let on...’

Mitch continues his background chatter while Avi works, not really paying close attention to what Mitch is saying. Mitch lures him in and out of attention, calling his name more than once. Under usual circumstances, Avi would love to talk with Mitch, but he’s still caught up on the soul mate issue, and not really in the mood to be friends with the man he had dreams about loving for the rest of his life.

“What is wrong with you??”

“What?” Avi asks.

“Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” Mitch cries, obviously upset.

“Not really, I’m sorry... It’s been -”

“Well, I’m sorry too. I don’t need friends who can’t even bother to listen to me.” Mitch gets up and storms out, letting the door slam behind him, the bells jingling cheerfully.

Avi lets his head slam onto the countertop, making a loud BANG that covers up Kevin’s entrance.

“Man, this is worse than your voicemail let on. Who was that pretty boy, and what did you do to piss him off so bad?”

Avi, keeping his forehead pressed to the register, peeks up at his brother and spills the whole sordid tale.

“You’ve got it bad, huh.” Kevin says, stroking Avi’s long hair. Avi just groans in response, his low voice shaking the tip jar slightly. “Well, seeing as it’s past closing, here is what we are going to do.”

And that’s how the end up in the mall two towns over, Avi wearing a large sweatshirt and beanie, the outfit making him look tiny compared to Kevin in an effort to continue to conceal his identity.

They tune their instruments — Kevin his cello and Avi his guitar -- for a minute before the two of them start singing. They soon draw a crowd. The two of them on their own can stop traffic, but together, it’s truly mesmerizing. They both have very unique talents, and by combining them, you get the meat and potatoes of music.

Avi, getting into the beat, allows his voice to soar higher and higher, hitting notes he reserves for moments like this. Moments where time stops and it’s just him and the music, where he can imagine doing this for the rest of his life, where he wants nothing more than to sing forever. But the chord comes to an end, and with it, the song. Avi opens his eyes to see someone crying, and several people putting cash in their respective cases.

They grin at each other. They both needed this.

As demanded, they play one more song before they wrap up. Avi hands out business cards to advertise his EP, and in a blink of the eye, all of them are gone. As he faces his apparently adoring fans, Kevin swings Beyonce onto his back and grabs Avi’s case. He starts walking off to Cinnabon, giving Avi a minute or two to process what just happened and finish up with the remaining girls. When he is finally ready to rejoin the world of the living, he jogs to catch up to his best friend and snags his case back.

“Thanks Kervy. You have no idea how much I needed that.” Avi trails off, unable to adequately convey what he’s thinking, but as usual, Kevin just knows. He swings his arm around Avi’s shoulders and together, they walk into the restaurant.

A small girl and her ensemble of friends timidly approach them. “The two of you should start a band... That was amazing. I loved watching you guys get so into it, and it was so different than anything you really hear anymore. I just, um. I wanted to say thanks for sharing. I know music can be pretty personal. Have a good day!” And with that, the posse runs off.

The men exchange glances, taken aback. Avi wishes she had stayed at least long enough for him to say thank you, but he can see the gears grinding in Kevin’s head, and he wishes the girl hadn’t said anything.

“Whatever you are about to say, please don’t. I’m not abandoning CSL to start a band.” Avi declares.

Kevin simply shrugs and orders. Avi sighs thankfully and follows suit.

After paying for and receiving their goodies, Kevin chooses and place to sit and Avi knows he won’t get away with avoidance for much longer.

He’s right. “So. What are you going to do about Mitch?” He asks as if it’s simple.

Avi plays with the wax paper accompanying his order and mulls that over a little. “I don’t know. Part of me wants to text him and apologize, but a bigger part of me wants to leave it. Being around him just makes me sad, so I won’t really have my heart in the conversation. I don’t really want to explain what is going on, either. You know how that usually ends, so I think I might just give myself a break this time.”

Kevin doesn’t look convinced, but “At least you’ve decided on something. So moving on to a more comfortable topic. Are you hiring anyone yet?”

The conversation runs like this for a while, jumping from topic to topic until it’s nine and they are being gently removed from the store and the mall. Kevin looks over and says “Want me to drop you at the gym?” and Avi has never loved him more.

They pull up at Avi’s all-night gym, but before Avi can get out, Kevin locks the door and looks over expectantly. “Yes, I will put out hiring signs tomorrow, and I will _think_ about playing more of my music in the shop. Jeez, and people call me the mom in this friendship.” He opens the now unlocked door and says, “But only if you actually talk to Rachel. Like a grown up. She’s really cute.” And slams the door on his blushing friend.

He works out, like _really_ works out. He warms up on the elliptical, working up a mild sweat before he moves on to some more light arm and leg work. He then hangs upside down on the pull-up bar and does some hanging sit ups, one of his favorite moves. His shirt falls over his face.

A drop of sweat travels down his stomach. He is too focused to wipe it away.

After his abdomen is a cooked sheet of lasagne noodles and he can’t even imagine doing more, he flips right-side up and limps over to the punching bag.

This is what he was waiting for.

He yanks gloves over his sweaty hands and prepares the bag for a beating.

An hour later, he emerges from the room well and truly disgusting. His hair is salty and it won’t smell right unless he washes it two or three times. Everything is sore and he might collapse.

He waves at the cleric and drives home so he can fall asleep in his shower.

It’s almost midnight. He’s glad it’s Tuesday, so he doesn’t have to work tomorrow. After that session, he doesn’t know if he will be able to move tomorrow. He takes two advil, drinks some water, and gets some hot compresses ready.

He sleeps like a dead man that night.


	3. Chapter 3

He was right. He’s sore, so so _so_ sore when he wakes up. His stomach hurts so much he uses his arms to get up instead of just sitting up. It takes three tries for his legs to remember how to stand. His hands aren’t bruised, but they are tender and a little red.

He’s glad he doesn’t have to open the shop today. He’s glad no one has to see him this pitiful. He takes two more Advil, drinks three glasses of water, and puts some ice on his hands.

A box of IcyHot falls out of his bathroom cupboard and hits him right in the eye.

In a petty act of vengeance, he uses the rest of the IcyHot patches and pretends for a moment that he has the ability to rip this box up. Instead, he leaves it on the counter in the kitchen as a reminder to buy more.

Avi is walking around in just his boxers, letting the stark white patches do their job. There is one on each calf, thigh, and two on his stomach. He cut the last one in half to put on his bicep.

He pokes at his stomach, wincing. Taking those off is going to suck, he knows. They always get caught in his wiry chest hair.

He leaves them on while he sets up his desk. The shop itself closes, but he still has a lot to do. He decides to wade through emails first, deleting spam, replying to customers, the usual. There aren’t that many mean emails, but there is one saying that they just wanted a cup of coffee, but he locked the door and he stormed out. The woman assured him that she wasn’t mad, just confused. She wanted to let Avi know that his actions everywhere reflect on his business.

Avi groaned, knowing that she must have been on the sidewalk last night when Kevin forced him to go outside. Sighing, he starts a draft to try to sooth any bitterness.

“Dear Mrs Janet Hulman-

I’m truly sorry that I made a bad impression on you last night. The store had been technically closed for a while, and I’d just had a fight with my close friend. While I understand that this doesn’t excuse my rude actions, I just wanted to provide some context for you. If you would like, you could return to Can’t Sleep Love tomorrow between 7am and 7pm, and I would love to make you that coffee.

Thank you,

Avi and CSL”

He reluctantly clicked send before archiving the original email and moving on to paying bills.

This was his least favorite part of owning a business. He loved making coffee and working with local pastry shops and the people but giving away the money he earned always sucks. However, even with the bills, he is turning just enough of a profit to eat his own food this week.

He mournfully tosses a glance at his empty fridge. Avi knows he has to go shopping, though, so he tosses on a loose-fit white t-shirt and some basketball shorts.

He looks down, realizes that the IcyHots are showing, and promptly changes into jeans and tosses a leather jacket on.

Avi grabs his wallet and goes outside. He bounces up and down, testing his legs willingness to work.

He calls an Uber.

He gets the same driver on his way home, and they chat a little during the relatively short drive. It’s two in the afternoon on a Wednesday, so there isn’t much traffic. When they arrive at his destination, Avi unloads his groceries and stares sadly at the two flights of stairs he needs to climb so he can get back in bed. He drags the three massive bags up the stairs, determined to not take more than one trip.

He actually felt pretty good when he gets to the top. Not like, _great_ , but he thinks he could stand a little longer, which is more than he was expecting.

He puts the groceries away, grabs his laptop, and crashes in bed.

 

The next day is boring.

Until about three. Then it gets very, very eventful.

He gets a call from someone named Scott. He talks like his voice is made of honey and mint tea and everything good. Avi thinks “This man has to sing.”

And the man does. He explains to Avi that he and two friends are trying to get signed by a label as an a Capella band, but the label says they need a percussion section. Scott explains that he had heard him at the mall and grabbed a business card. He’d even gotten a recommendation from a lady who works at the label. He was even more impressed with his released track.

He’d like Avi and Kevin to join their band. Scott says that they have already been guaranteed a position at the label, Madison Gates.

“No way...” Avi thinks. “She wouldn’t.” But it is pretty evident that she did. Avi promises to call Scott right back, he just wants to ask his sister what she thinks and talk to Kevin. He writes down Scott’s number and immediately calls Esther.

“Why did you DO that??” He cries, on the verge of tears.

“Do what?” Esther asks, immediately distressed. She hates nothing more than her baby brother being sad.

“You know I don’t want to sing. You know that I can’t give up the life I have right now for something that stressful and uncertain. I can’t give up the shop I’ve worked so hard for!” He shouts.

“Shhhh, honey. It’s okay. First, I need you to take a couple deep breaths. It’s okay, shhh...” Esther spends ten minutes helping Avi regulate his breathing and preventing a panic attack.

“Okay, let’s start solving this. First and foremost, I am sincerely sorry with all of my heart that I caused you pain. I would never ever do that on purpose. With that being said, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Someone named Scott just called and wanted me and Kev to join his band. He says that some manager from Madison Gates recommended me for their percussion section. You can’t deny that was you.” He says accusatorily.

“Oh... oh god. I’m so so sorry honey. I wasn’t giving an official recommendation, promise. I was bragging to my coworker, Brian, about my baby brother’s amazing voice. I was talking about your low range... He probably heard me mention your EP... So he looked it up and tracked you down that way. I’m so sorry, I honestly didn’t think anything would come of it.” She explains.

Avi is a little stunned. He didn’t know that she bragged about him, which is both nice and creepy. Both of those adjectives apply to Scott —  listening in on a conversation, hearing his name mentioned, and tracking him down from there. Avi wants to be flattered, wants to say yes, but doesn’t think he can give up his little shop here.

The line is silent for a minute before Avi whimpers, “Es, what do I do?”

And Esther’s heart breaks all over again. Avi hasn’t called her ‘Es’ since they were little. “Oh, honey... You know I can’t tell you what to do. But here is what I think: what makes you happy? What makes you so happy you can’t bear it, can’t tear your mind from it? I’ve heard this Scott guy sing, and his little group could make it. But they need a percussion section, and they need someone with innovative arrangement ideas. I honestly think the five of you - their three and you and Kev - I think you could make it. You know all I want in the world is for you to be happy. If that means you stay where you are, that is amazing. And if it means taking a risk... it means you could be happy.”

Avi is silent again.

“You really think they can make it?” He confirms. “I... I need to talk to Kev.”

With that, they hang up.

Avi can’t bear to do this alone anymore. He grabs another Uber to Kevin’s place.

When he gets there and knocks, Kevin isn’t home. Unwilling to be deterred, Avi uses his key and raids Kev’s fridge for a beer. Kevin gets home an hour and two beers later.

“Hey, Avi! Whatcha doing here?” He spots the empty beer bottles. “Man, are you drunk? What did I tell you about this!”

“No, no I’m not drunk. I just. I got a call today.” Kevin’s raised eyebrow lets him know that doesn’t answer any questions.

“So, I got a call from this guy named Scott who is signing at Madison Gates. He sings a capella and they need a percussion section to get big. He... he wants us to join the band.”

“Wait. Us?”

Avi nods. “Yeah, he apparently saw us at the mall and thinks we could complete the band. I called Es, and she says they need my arranging skills and your superhuman drum-mouth. She... she says we could make it. And you know Es is never wrong.”

“Wow. That’s. That’s a lot.” Kevin crashes on the couch next to Avi and steals the last half of his beer. “Wow.”

“Yeah.” Avi sighs out. “So, um. I think... I think I might say yes, if you do.”

“Really, man? Yesterday you were singing a different song. I remember you being adamant that you wouldn’t leave CSL for something as unknown as a band.”

Avi nods, his face buried in his hands.

Kevin gets it. “But if Esther says we can make it... we can make it.” Avi nods again.

“Okay, man. Here’s what we’re going to do. Let’s go rehearse with them. Just see if the vibe is right. If we don't work as a band, we can say no. If we’re magic, we’ll say yes. Sound good?”

Avi nods a third time, infinitely grateful Kevin is taking over the planning.

So Avi calls Scott and they arrange to meet tomorrow at the studio for a practice.


	4. Chapter 4

Avi doesn’t sleep that night. He’s too busy being anxious and drinking mint tea laced with honey. He’s been on Skype with Esther for three hours, letting her make the same reassurances over and over again. He bites his nails to the quick, until they bleed and Esther makes him put bandaids on them. 

He drinks more water under Esther’s careful, watching eye and soothing words.

Avi is worried he’ll wreck his voice. Part of him wants that, wants to assure the failure of this. Another part of him wants it so badly that he’d do anything to get it to succeed.

God, Avi hates this. He hates the wanting almost more than he hates living a life of mediocrity. The anticipation makes his teeth hurt and his toenails vibrate. 

When he finally falls into a fitful sleep, it is haunted by nightmares of barren chests and raven hair.

He wakes up in a cold sweat at eight in the morning, it’s rather late for him, but he isn’t opening today and they aren’t meeting until noon. Last night, he’d put a sign up on the door reading “Closed Tomorrow, Important Meeting.” He knew everyone would assume it is an investment meeting that he was holding to start planning another location, and so everyone would leave him alone.

Avi is more nervous than he thought he would be. He takes a long shower, puts his hair up in curlers, and cleans up his beard. He can’t do much about the sorry state of his nails, but he does file them down. After some deliberation, he also puts on some clear polish just so he doesn’t keep biting them.

He skypes Esther again and asks her how he looks. He anxiously asks if the bags under his eyes are particularly awful. She chuckles and admits that they are pretty outstanding. “Should I put on concealer? How do I even do that?” He asks restlessly. 

Esther sighs and walks him through what shade he needs to buy and how to apply it. She reassures him that he can call her back and that  _ yes _ , everything will be fine, and  _ yes _ , they will like you, and  _ yes  _ they do really want you to be in their band.

Avi calls Kevin on his walk to the drugstore. It’s reassuring that Kevin is having the same struggle he is. They bump into each other in the aisle, and Avi clumsily relays what his sister told him. “We need concealer and powder. She said we should get the “Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Dark Circle Treatment Concealer”. She sent me a link. The hard part is finding the right shade... and we need ‘transparent powder’. I guess.”

They look at each other and silently decide to ask one of the workers for some help matching shades. She smiles and asks, “long night?” They nod, and she kindly shows them how to match makeup to their jawline. She picks up the right shade of product for both of them as well as some of the powder. “I know you were told to get translucent, but that can be pretty hard to work with for beginners, so I’m going to set you up with some packed powder in your shade. I’m going to assume that you also don’t have any brushes and give you the right one for this. After you apply the concealer and blend it with your fingertips, you can brush some powder on to add coverage and prevent creases. Sound good?” The both nod gratefully and buy their goods.

The men part ways at the exit of the store, promising to meet at the studio fifteen till.

It’s eleven, and Avi has long since finished his makeup and had another cup of tea. He knows Google says it is about a twenty minute drive, but with LA traffic he wants to make sure that he has plenty of time, and he also is in the mood for an iced coffee, so he decides to leave now, grabbing a bottle of water, a granola bar, and his keys before leaving.

There isn’t a line at Starbucks, and the traffic is fine, and he gets there at 11:30. Kevin arrives five minutes later.

They sit in Kevin’s substantially nicer car until 11:50, when they decide to head in. 

Scott meets them at the door chuckling. “I’m glad you guys like to show up early,” he says. “I saw you both pull up thirty minutes early. You could’ve come inside, y’know.”

They glance at each other, both unsure why they feel guilty.

“C’mon, c’mon, let’s go introduce you to everyone! I haven’t told them your names, so you’re as much as a surprise to them as they are to you. I find it’s best that way.” Scott says.

Avi and Kevin nod. They both have an aversion to meeting new people after the absolute shitshow that was high school, so going in blind instills a great deal of anxiety and a great deal of relief. 

Scott opens the door and everything falls apart, quietly and unknown. 

Mitch looks up from his coffee. Avi distantly notices it’s Starbucks. He feels a spike of jealousy even though they fought. Kevin waves for both of them and introduces both of them to the two people they don’t yet know.

Avi and Mitch have yet to break eye contact. “Um,” Scott says nervously. “Mitch? Avi? What’s up?”

Mitch gives his head a brief shake and replies, “Nothing, Scottie. What do we feel like singing?”

Scott says, “I was actually thinking E.T. by Katy?” Avi looks a little taken aback. “Look —  I know it might be a little weird, but I actually have some innovative ideas for the arrangement. It lets all of us play to our skills and it’s a pretty fun song. I have a rough outline, but I’m getting a little stuck on the not-me parts. I honestly don’t know much about arranging music for percussion parts. I can give you all that I’ve got and we can just... see how it goes, right?”

Despite the shakes that Mitch gave him, Avi is still desperate to get this to work. Now that he sees the five of them together, he can see it. He can see the moments on stage, and he wants it with a gut-clenching agony.

The whole group nods in synch, and break out laughing. “Well...” Kevin says between, “At least we don’t have to worry about us being on beat!” That only serves to set them all off again.

After they have finally gotten it together, they start to warm up. They do some breath relaxations and Kevin shows them how he warms up for his drumming, with complicated tongue twisters and trills. 

They start singing, and it’s terrible. The arrangement needs a lot of work and they need to practice and Avi is getting frustrated. He can see his dream slipping away before he even fell asleep.

Until they reach Mitch’s solo. Avi, on a whim, shows off his overtones. Kevin’s alien noises combined with Scott and Kirstie’s dissonance makes the whole thing sound otherworldly and creepy. Mitch’s beautiful voice ties the whole thing together. 

It’s perfect for one solid minute. It’s a glimpse into the future, and no one says anything for a long, long time when it ends. 

“Please, please tell me someone was recording that,” Kirstie begs. Scott grins, and it’s vicious. Avi is almost scared of him, in all of his huge, menacing glory.

They watch it again, grimacing through the rough parts until they get to it. Kevin and Avi are gripping each other’s hands so hard it hurts. They toss each other glances, and Kevin says, “Well. I don’t think we can say no to that.”

Kirstie screams, but you can’t hear her over Scott’s shriek.

They start scheduling practices right away. They obviously need to work on the arrangement and they need to spend time getting to know each other.  _ At least, _ Avi thinks,  _ at least Kevin and I are always going to be solid.  _

“I think that’s it for today. That was amazing guys. I can see us making it and I’m so excited that you both decided to join us. I will see everyone again on Saturday!”

Everyone is filing out as Mitch grabs Avi’s arm. “We need to talk.” Mitch states.

“Yeah. I... I think I need to explain myself.” Avi says. He stalls a moment, trying to figure out how to explain this without lying, but he is reluctant to reveal his weakness. “I thought I found them. My soulmate. I thought I met them, but I was wrong. I’ve been out of it ever since.” Avi says. It’s not technically a lie. He did want Mitch to be his soulmate, and he did decide to leave it.

“Oh... oh god, you must think I’m a total ass. I’m sorry, that is awful.”

Avi shrugs, his curly hair touching his shoulders briefly. Tears bite at his eyes and he turns away from Mitch, not wanting to show yet another weakness. He can’t bear to give away more pieces of himself. Mitch lays a hand on his shoulder, forcing Avi to face him. Mitch leans forward, touching their foreheads and wrapping Avi in a tight hug. “Shh... It’s okay to cry. It’s okay.” He reassures.

But Avi is all cried out on this topic. He nods against Mitch and they step apart. 

“Shit!” Avi cries.

Mitch startles back, so Avi quickly explains, “I need to hire someone! Like, right now!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I may be insane. I hardly ever update this quickly. And this is already one of the longest things I've ever written. It's most certainly longer than the sum of everything I've yet posted on here.
> 
> EDIT: Lol good luck. I'm writing the next chapter. It'll (hopefully) be up soon and I just wanted to wish you all good luck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I drop some SERIOUS bombs here. The next couple chapters are going to be pretty angsty. Also, I'm editing a couple previous chapters. Nothing serious and you probably wouldn't even notice, but I added a couple sentences and fixed a couple errors. Thought I'd let you know.
> 
> Also, I've encountered a problem where I've run out of song names for titles. So if anyone has any ideas, let me know. As of right now I may abandon all chapter titles.

Avi returns to the studio on Saturday with a much calmer mind. He and Mitch are tentative friends, and he’s managed to convince Esther to watch the new girl that he hired. It’s her fault that he’s even doing this absolutely insane thing anyway, he reasoned, so she should take on some of the fallout.

It’s Saturday, so it’ll be nice to have two people anyways.

He’s got an ad out. He’s thinking he’ll hire one or two more, just so he’s got lots of backup. 

Kevin elbows him, bringing him back to the arrangement session. “Avi, dude. Do you think this’ll mesh well? I’m concerned Scott and I’s part will be competing for the front line and it’ll crash.”

Avi looks at them both like they are idiots. “Why don’t we just sing it?”

Kirstie laughs at the constipated faces they both don after realizing their idiocy. 

So they sing ET again. The beginning has definitely improved leaps and bounds, but now that Avi is focused on the song, he knows what they need to make it better.

“Can I try something?” Avi asks, looking to Scott for approval. “Okay, so I think just the trio should sing their parts for a minute.” They trade confused shrugs and follow Avi’s direction, and just as he suspected, it sounds amazing. “Yeah, I was right. Alone, the arrangement for you three is perfect. Right now I think we’re underestimating what Kevin and I can accomplish. Scott, you have to remember why you picked Kevin. He isn’t any ordinary beatboxer. And, not to brag, but I can reach notes that complete some missing chords that no other band can dream of reaching. So, let’s try this...”

And two hours later, they sing the whole song through without stopping, and Scott is crying again.

“I’m sorry,” he sobs. “I just want this so bad. And we can do it. The five of us, we can do amazing things. I’m just so grateful and so happy.”

Watching Scott cry sets Avi off. He’s always been a bit of a cryer and knowing that he isn’t the only one that was desperate for something like this makes him all the more glad that he’s doing it.

Now Kirstie and Mitch are looking at the two of them and freaking out. Kevin isn’t helping. He’s just laughing at them, gasping about how not-surprising this is. Avi and Scott are hugging each other and just saying thank you over and over again until they process just how ridiculous this is and start laughing.

The five of them laugh for a while before finally sobering to sore stomachs and tear-streaked faces.

“God, I hope this doesn’t happen after we finish every song. It’ll be a long career if that’s the case.” Mitch remarks.

Avi looks at him, eyes shining. “I hope it’s a long career no matter what.” He says to a silent room.

Mitch smiles back at him, his smile lines matching Avi’s crows feet. Avi feels a lurch of longing at the sight, his heartbeat picking up. He can feel it throbbing where is soulmate tattoo is supposed to be. He reaches up to rub at it but pulls his hand away last minute. It’s a pretty unambiguous place to scratch at, and Avi doesn’t want to raise suspicions. Kevin, unsurprisingly, doesn’t miss the hesitation and looks at Avi as if demanding an answer. Avi nods his head slightly, and they move on to discussing what other songs they should look at. 

“I think it’s looking like we’re leaning towards pop/R&B/electro as a group. Is everyone okay with that?” Scott waits for everyone’s approval before he reads off their “set list”. “Okay, so we’ve got "E.T., Your Love is My Drug, Piece of My Heart, Video Killed the Radio Star, Love Lockdown, Born to be Wild, Stuck Like Glue, OMG, Let's Get It On, a mashup of Forget You and Since U Been Gone, Dog Days Are Over, Without You, Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche), and Eye of The Tiger. Does anyone have any issues with this?” He asks. Everyone nods. “How about, until the next rehearsal, everyone listens to Your Love is My Drug, Piece of My Heart, and Video Killed the Radio Star to get an idea of what their part will be. Sound good?”

Mitch does a couple riffs and says, “Yeah, I mean. I think I sound pretty good. What do you guys think?” They all laugh again before departing. 

Mitch and Avi hug at the door. Avi can feel Mitch’s breath against his throat, hot and wet. His breath speeds up. He gives Mitch one last squeeze before walking —  quickly —  to the door. He slams the car door shut and readjusts his semi before he heads to Starbucks. He really needs some tea. Or some alcohol. Or both. 

But the world really doesn’t feel like giving Avi a break today. When he gets to Starbucks, he’s calmed down enough to head inside. And lo and behold, who’s there but fucking Mitch. He should have known —  Mitch is always drinking coffee and he’s yet to return to CSL after he stormed out.

Avi always feels weird about drinking Starbucks when he owns his own personal coffee shop, but sometimes he doesn’t feel like making his own latte, okay?

Mitch looks a little lonely, so Avi goes up and says, “Long time, no see, huh?” because he is so original.

Mitch smiles at him again, but it isn’t the smile that made Avi’s heart flutter only a couple hours ago. It’s sadder, and Mitch says “Do you want to go get really drunk with me? I mean, you don’t have to, obviously, but I’m going to and I was thinking that you might want to come with me.” He says in a rush.

Avi, without a moment of hesitation, says, “I would actually really like that. There’s this bar that I love within walking distance.”

The bartender greets Avi by name and takes a look at Avi’s knuckles. “He’s training to be a paramedic. He’s such a mom —  every time I come in he looks me over,” Avi explains.

Mitch quirks an eyebrow at him. “Why do your hands need looking over? Get into a lot of fights?”

“Not with anything living. My gym has quite a few punching bags I’ve grown to love, is all. Cheaper than a therapist or a dog.”

Mitch looks at him appraisingly, obviously reevaluating Avi. Avi simply shrugs and orders his usual, gesturing for Mitch to do the same.

Mitch is drinking way more than Avi. He’s starting to get worried about the little guy. He surely can’t drink that much alcohol without some sort of awful consequence. 

Mitch looks up at Avi and asks, “d’you remember that song you told me about? The one by the dude with the funny name and pretty voice? There wazza string instr’m’nt or some-mm playing. It was pretty...”

Avi looks at his drunken friend carefully. “I remember it, yes. By Avriel and the Sequoias. Why?”

Mitch blinks at him for a minute. “Oh! Because I’ve got the name Avriel tattooed on my chest and I haven’t met many Avriel’s, haven’t met any in fact, so I was hopin’ real hard that he was my Avriel ‘cuz he’s got a real pretty voice.”

Avi chokes on his drink. “I. Um. I don’t think that’s your Avriel,” he says gently.

“Why?” Mitch protests.

Avi can’t answer that. He shoves the rest of his drink down his throat and ignores the question, waving the bartender down for another.

He finishes that one off too and calls Kevin for a ride home.

When Kevin gets to the bar, Avi clambers into his car quietly, 

Kevin silently pulls up to Avi’s house. They have yet to exchange a single word when Avi says, “He has Avriel tattooed on his chest.” He says it so deadpan it’s almost like his birth name isn’t Avriel, like his chest isn’t blank, like he didn’t just leave the man he loves and his new bandmate absolutely smashed at the bar.

Avi groans and calls Scott. “Hey Scott. I know it’s late, but I need you to go pick Mitch up. I couldn’t make him leave the bar. It’s the one right next to his Starbucks. You know what I’m talking about?”

“Avi, it’s barely eight thirty. How is Mitch already drunk enough to need a ride?” Avi decides to plead the fifth on that. “Oh my god, did you guys go right from practice to the bar? Dammit, I knew he wouldn’t follow his promise to stop day drinking. Okay, thanks Avi. I’ll see you at rehearsal.” And with that, the line is dead.

Avi unsteadily climbs out of his best friends car. He walks around and knocks on Kevin’s window. When it’s rolled down, Avi reaches through and opens the door from the inside. He grasps Kevin’s jacket and tugs on it insistently. “Avi, man, I can’t go up right now. I’m illegally parked.” Avi grunts in agreement and tugs again. “Okay, okay, I’ll get out.”

The moment Kevin unbuckles, Avi jerks him out of the seat and wraps him in a hug. “Aw, Avi.” Kevin melts into the hug, grasping his friend just as firmly as he is being held.

“I love you Kervy. You know that? I love you.” Avi’s head is buried in Kevin’s shoulder, so he feels it more than he hears it.

“I love you too Avi. I always will.”

Avi finally releases Kevin from the hug and wanders upstairs. 

He draws a bath, opens the windows, and lights his favorite scented candle. When his bath is ready, Avi debates premedicating his hangover. He decides against it. He’d only had three beers after seeing how hard Mitch was going. Just enough to be a little buzzed but not nearly enough to have a terrible hangover tomorrow. 

His chest is warm and Avi is terribly tired. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This doesn't actually have self-harm in it, but it does have complicit self-harm in which Avi hurts himself working out and doesn't care. It also has a brief suicide mention towards the end of the chapter.

Avi wakes up the next morning with a tattoo.

There is a little tiny “M” on his chest that certainly was not there last night.

At first, he thinks he’s dreaming. Then, he’s sure of it. Then, he’s hallucinating.

He goes to scrub at it in the shower, using a washcloth and a sponge and his nails.

When he’s finally accepted the mark isn’t moving, his chest is red and irritated, emphasizing the black M.

Avi is a pretty anxious person as it is, so he thinks he’s in the right when he sits in a corner and falls apart. It’s definitely one of the worse panic attacks he’s ever had. He claws at his chest, trying to breathe again and trying to tear this thing away.

He’s dying, he realizes distantly. He’s dying and there’s nothing he can do to stop it and this new thing will never be understood. He doesn’t even know what it is. It can’t be a soulmate. He’s never heard of a tattoo manifesting after sixteen years.

He can’t — he can’t breathe.

His left hand is gripping something.

He can’t quite see it — everything is blurry and he can’t breathe.

He sits there forever, shaking and gasping and dying.

Eventually, he calms down enough to fall asleep.

He wakes up sometime in the middle of the night in the shower. His face is sticky from tears and his heartbeat is still a little odd. He pries his hand from the shower door and crawls from his bathroom to bed.

He cries himself to sleep that night and every night after for about two weeks.

The worst thing is that Avi knows he should be happy. He knows he should be thrilled that he’s got someone now after a life of having no one. The thing is that he can’t bring himself to believe that it’s real. Avi’s pretty sure this is a cruel prank. After all, if Avi was so terrible as to not deserve a soulmate when he was sixteen, he’s pretty sure he’s only gotten worse from there. 

It isn’t real, he’s decided. Kevin was trying to be nice, was trying to give him some hope by tattooing his chest. Avi decides to ignore the parts of this that don’t make sense, and he lives his life like nothing has changed.

He opens the shop most days, even if he has practice. He makes coffee and hot chocolate and tea and misses singing. One of the new hires shows up, and he lets them take over, supervising instead of doing most of the work. On days he has practice, another person comes in before he leaves. 

Life is... life is good. Sometimes Avi even manages to ignore the way his M throbs at practice. Sometimes he can make eye contact with Mitch without blushing. Sometimes he can ignore the way everyone stares at him when they think he isn’t looking. 

Avi isn’t bad, exactly, but he definitely isn’t good. He’s mostly numb. He glides through each day without feeling any emotions until he comes home and allows himself to press one firm finger to the mark on his chest. 

It always starts the same — when he takes his shirt off to shower. He always looks, just in case another letter shows up. One hasn’t yet. Avi doesn’t know if one ever will. Avi doesn’t know anything, really. 

He’s looking at chest, trying desperately to find anything that could be an “i”. It hurts to look at, honestly. It looks lonely. His hand finds its way to the mark without Avi consciously wishing it. At first, his hand hovers over the mark, hiding it from sight. He can’t remember what his bare chest looks like anymore. He twitches in the wanting, twitches until he allows his finger to press down, press until it aches.

Touching the mark sends a hot thrill through him, warming him from the inside out. It feels beautiful. It feels like love.

Tonight Avi goes to the gym. He can’t face his apartment, empty and filled with sweat and loneliness.

He goes and lifts weights for a little, but lifting itself has never been entertaining to him. He always finds his way back to the bag. 

Avi leaves the gym after he started crying against the bag. His knuckles are bruised and purple, and Avi is more than a little worried he may have stressed the ligaments in his right wrist. He aches all over, shooting from his hands to his back and head, down to his hips.

When Avi gets home, he yanks his hair out of the bun and relishes in the pain. He climbs into the shower and washes all the evidence of tonight off — the sweat, the blood, the tears. Avi didn’t even know he was bleeding until the shower floor turned a disgusting brownish-orange. He finds scrapes inside his wrists, probably from when he switched to a heavier bag. There was something sharp on the 80-pound bag, but Avi was too out of it to really notice.

He stumbles out of the shower to bandage his wrist and dry his hair. 

He falls asleep on a wet pillow.

He’s managed to bleed through the gauze overnight because Avi has a blood stain on his stomach and his wrist throb-throb-throbs with his heart. 

As Avi drags himself out of bed to rebandage his wrist, he revels in the ache-burn that his body screams at him. He peels off the bloody bandage and washes off his stomach before rebandaging and getting dressed. He throws on his most comfortable pants and an oversized hoodie that will conceal his purple knuckles from his friends' concerned eyes. He has practice tonight, and he knows he looks like death.

He puts concealer on his disgusting undereye circles and heads downstairs to open the shop.

He’s never been more grateful to see Emily walk in at nine. He heads out early so he can sit in the woods for a while to decompress. 

When he gets to his favorite tree, he sits among its roots and calls his sister.

They talk for a while, and Avi admits to the panic attack but not the cause.

“Aw, Avi. Have you reconsidered seeing someone? I still think you would benefit from some anti-anxiety medicine.”

“Maybe, Esther. It probably would help me, but everything is so hectic and still sort of unknown that I can’t right now. Maybe if things ever settle down I’ll go.”

Esther reluctantly agrees and wishes him good luck at practice today before hanging up. Avi drags his sore body out of the woods and to the studio, arriving just barely on time.

Avi walks in like a zombie and says, “Sorry if I’m out of it today guys. I stayed up a little too late last night and I’m exhausted.” He doesn’t want to deal with any questions. Scott seems a little disappointed, but the five of them move right into practice.

Avi is right — he’s a little out of it. He keeps missing the tempo and he can see the steam come out of Scott’s ears, but there’s nothing he can do. He’s doing his best. 

By the end of rehearsal, it’s obvious his best isn’t good enough. Kirstie pulls Scott out of the room to prevent him from screaming at Avi. Avi rubs away tears with sore hands.

Kevin catches him by the wrist. “What is this, Avi?” He says bitingly.

Avi blinks at Kevin. “What is what, dude?”

“Your hands! They’re a mess! You were at the gym, weren’t you?” Avi nods. “Goddamnit Avi. You’re lucky you didn’t strain your wrist or your shoulder again.” Kevin pokes at his knuckles and analyzes Avi’s wince. “Man, how long were you there?”

“Um. Two hours?”

“Why was that a question?” Kevin is scary when he’s worried.

“I don’t actually know, okay? I don’t know how long I was there.” Avi admits. He tugs his hand back, but Kevin isn’t so ready to move on from this. “Kevin, please,” Avi begs.

“No! You can’t keep doing this Avi! You can’t keep beating the bag like you’re trying to beat something out of yourself!” Kevin is almost screaming now.

“Hey!” Suddenly, there is a small body between them and it’s almost laughable that Mitch would be able to do anything if Kevin really wants to yell at Avi. “Stop! Look at him! I know you’re upset but this isn’t doing anything! It’s just making this whole thing worse and you know it.”

At that, Kevin really looks at Avi, looks at his flushed cheeks and red eyes and trembling everything, and he storms out. As he slams the door, he throws out a vicious “This is going to kill you, Avi. And I’m starting to think you want it to.”

Avi whimpers into his hands. Mitch sits next to him and brings his arm gently around Avi’s shoulders. He rests his head on Avi’s shoulder and doesn’t say anything about the tears or the tight grip Avi has on his wrist. He just lets him cry.

Avi feels his chest start to burn and knows that before he leaves he will have another little letter on his chest.

Part of him hopes it isn’t an “i”. He can’t imagine what he’s done to deserve Mitch.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avi has a worse week than he anticipated.

The week after that is just terrible. He officially has half of a name now. Avi thinks he’s moved on from the terrifying numbness. He’s actually pretty excited. He’s planning on waiting for the name to finish showing up, then he’s going to sing for Mitch and tell him the whole story. 

The thing is that he still hasn’t told Kevin. He wants to say that it’s because Kevin still isn’t speaking to him —  true —  but it’s really his fault. He should’ve called Kevin when it first happened, but he was scared. And now it seems too late.

Avi underestimated how much not talking to Kevin would suck. He guesses he never realized how much they talked before now because he reaches to text Kevin ten or fifteen times a day and each time he puts his phone back down. As much as he misses Kevin, he wants to give him some time to cool down before they start talking again. Avi likes dragons enough to know that you should never poke a pissed one. 

It’s because he isn’t talking to Kevin that he can’t bring himself to enjoy the fact that Mitch has started coming to CSL again. He comes more often than he did before, and they talk more, and as the time passes, Avi falls more and more in love with Mitch. With the way his hair falls and the way he holds his coffee like it’s the only thing bringing him warmth and the way he is so assured in himself but still knows that he isn’t perfect and sometimes gets insecure about that.

“Does my hair look okay?” He asks Avi one day.

Avi reaches up and runs his hand through Mitch’s soft hair and says, “Your hair looks the same it always does —  perfect.” And returns to his work. Emily had been complaining that the register is slow, so he’s trying to figure out what is going on. It’s a statement to how amazing his new hires are that he hasn’t actually had to operate the register for a while. Mostly, Avi makes drinks when they are busy and does the background stuff. 

Honestly, Avi misses when it was just his shop. When he was the one that people greeted cheerfully. He underestimated how much he would miss being the face of CSL.  _ “It doesn’t matter if you miss it,” _ he reminds himself.  _ “You love singing more than you could ever love talking to people. You made the right choice.” _ He tells himself sternly.

While Mitch sits by Avi at the coffee shop, they spend time getting to know each other better. Avi learns that Mitch had actually dated both Kirstie and Scott before they were sixteen, which was part of the reason they were so close now. He learned just how important this band is to Scott, which is part of the reason that it’s so important to Mitch. 

Avi stays away from the topic of soulmates, which Mitch must pick up on because he acts like Avi doesn’t know that his name is tattooed on Mitch’s chest. Maybe he doesn’t remember. Avi sort of hopes he doesn’t. Instead, Avi tells him about his wonderful sister and his supportive parents and how he acquired CSL and how he met Kevin and about his favorite Jewish holidays and by the end of the week, Mitch and Avi are basically best friends.

By the end of the week, Avi has gained two more letters and now he knows who it is if there was any doubt before. They always appear after he spends a lot of time around Mitch, and now he has “Mitc” inked above his heart in small, neat handwriting.

But Avi still misses Kevin like someone cut off his arm. They see each other at rehearsals, but Kevin burns slow and steady and they barely speak. Scott, on the other hand, is fine. Mitch tells him that Scott doesn’t get set off often, but when he does, he burns bright and short. Avi is grateful. Speaking of his arm, Avi is beginning to think something is wrong with the scrape he has. Okay, Avi is pretty sure something is very wrong with his wrist, but he really can’t afford to go see a doctor, so he does the next best thing.

He goes to the bar.

There is a lady out front he doesn’t recognize, but he asks her if Josh is in tonight. When she nods her head, he sighs in relief and heads in.

He sits on his usual bar stool and orders a beer. “Hey, man, I know this is a little weird, but this is sort of my last resort. I need you to look at something for me.” Avi says.

Josh raises an eyebrow. “I draw the line at your dick, Avi.” He laughs in return.

Avi laughs a little too. “No, no this is. I’ll just show you.” He decides. He pulls his sleeve up carefully and gives his wrist to a concerned-looking Josh, who gently pulls the gauze off and cusses quietly.

“Shit, man. What did you do? This is infected. Come in the back for a minute, let me see what I can do.” Josh gently guides Avi to the back where they keep the extra liquor and sits him on a chair.

“I was changing the bag at my gym and something scraped me,” Avi explains. He lets Josh work. Josh pulls out some soap and water and washes away all the puss so he can look at the wound itself. 

“It doesn’t look like anything is in there, so that is good. But you still need to go to an actual doctor, Avi. You need antibiotics, and maybe even a wound vacuum. You really can’t fuck around with infection. You can lose limbs if you let it get too bad.” Avi pulls his arm back after Josh puts a new bandage on.

“I can’t really afford that Josh. You know I can’t. I came to you for a reason. You can’t get your hands on any medicine?” Avi asks, his throat closing up with anxiety when Josh shakes his head.

“Here’s what I’m going to do,” Josh says. “I’m going to call Kevin so he can come get you. Then, I’m going to call my friend at the hospital to see what I can do for you there. But for right now, I need you to assume that you are going to have to go to the hospital. Call your sister and ask her for help. The way you talk about her, she’s a good enough person to help you out here.” 

With that, Josh takes his phone and calls Kevin. He calmly and concisely explains the situation to Kevin, who agrees to come right over, even though he is still pissed at Avi. Josh gives Avi his phone back and purposely lets Avi freak out for a minute. When Avi’s breath picks up yet again, he crouches by his friend and asks, “Is there anything I can do right now? Do you need me to help calm you down, or should I wait for Kevin?” Avi is infinitely grateful that he gives Avi the choice, so when Avi gasps to wait for Kevin, Josh respects his wishes and goes to call his friend at the hospital. Avi can’t hear anything he is saying as the world goes blurry until Kevin is magically here and reminding Avi how to breathe.

When Avi is a little more stable, Josh pulls Kevin away and talks quietly with him for a minute. Kevin comes back over to Avi and pulls him up. They get in Kevin’s car and drive to Kevin’s house. On the way there, Avi says “I’m sorry,” so quietly he thinks it’s more exhale than it is words. Kevin only reaches over and grabs his hand, squeezing tightly. It’s more reassuring than anything Kevin could have said.

When they get home, Kevin guides his brother inside, makes him take some ibuprofen for his slight fever and tucks him into bed. 

Avi falls asleep almost instantly, but it isn’t peaceful. Kevin can tell that it’s going to be filled with nightmares, so when he makes some phone calls, he doesn’t leave the room.

First, he calls Mitch.  _ “Hey, Mitch, it’s Kevin. I have some bad news... Avi is sick. Really, really sick. He has an infected cut, and I’m going to have to take him to the hospital tomorrow. The trio can still practice tomorrow, but Avi and I won’t be able to make it. I have no idea how long he’ll need to be out for. I’ll call you with some details tomorrow,” _ he tells Mitch’s answering machine.

After that, he calls Emily and asks her to open tomorrow. He doesn’t go into much detail, just tells her that Avi is sick. He’ll call someone else if she wants. But she says she’ll be fine on her own, and Kevin is too freaked out to fight her on it, so they hang up and Kevin crawls on top of the sheets next to Avi to pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is turning out A LOT different than my original idea, but that's okay. I think I can see the ending here, but this is not where the suffering for Avi ends. Oh no, it must get much much worse before it can get better.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avi is sick and Kevin is a great friend.

The next morning Kevin has to spend a long time waking Avi up. This only serves to freak him out more, but Avi has always been difficult to wake up, so he isn’t overly scared. When Avi finally wakes up, he says, “Wait, Kev... I need to show you something.”

He had done some thinking last night and realized that Kevin needed to know about his tattoo, so Avi explains to him what was happening, and why he went to the gym and the whole rotten story. When he gets to the end, Kevin looks a little ashamed for having yelled at his brother instead of listening when he was obviously falling apart, but he is even more determined to take Avi to the hospital to get better.

So they drive to the hospital. Avi doesn’t feel drastically worse, but he is running a fever and tears are starting to gather in his eyes. The road is bumpy and Avi is tired. Kevin can’t decide if he should drive fast or slow. He wants to get there as soon as possible, but he doesn’t want to be reckless. So he drives exactly the speed limit and tries his best to drive in the smoother lanes to prevent the car from disturbing Avi.

They arrive, finally, and Kevin is in such a rush that he doesn’t even close the car door, just throws it open and basically carries his friend in the emergency room. He gets Avi signed in and settled in a chair before he remembers to go park the car.

It takes forever and a day to park and run back. The lot next to the emergency room was stuffed full, so he had to drive further than he wanted to get a spot.

He makes it back just as the nurse is calling Avi’s name. She tries for a minute to prevent Kevin from coming back, but when he scoops Avi up in his arms and walks forward, she gives in and shows Kevin where to set Avi. Avi is crying now, and it’s heart-wrenching. Kevin explains to the nurse what happened while he soothes Avi, petting his hair and hugging him.

The nurse goes to get a doctor. Avi tugs on Kevin’s sleeve insistently until Kevin lifts Avi up from the bed and gets in too. He arranges Avi between his legs so that he’s safe.

The first time Kevin slept over at Avi’s house, he learned that Avi’s favorite thing is to be held tightly. He likes to be encompassed. It calms him down. So Kevin holds him and pets his hair and Avi stops crying.

The doctor comes in while Kevin is wiping the rest of the tears from Avi’s face. The doctor makes a face, but she visibly backs down at Kevin’s glare.

She gives Avi some pain medicine and starts poking around in his arm. Avi is calmer — he’s breathing a little deeper and he isn’t so stiff. Nonetheless, Kevin can tell he’s still in pain. Everyone knows that Avi is a sensitive guy, but he doesn’t like showing his weaknesses any more than anyone else. “Can he have a little more of whatever you just gave him?” Kevin asks the doctor gently.

“He can have a little more if he needs it, but not a whole lot.” The doctor says. When Avi nods in approval, she asks the nurse to grab another vial of the painkiller. Kevin tries to find a name tag on the doctor’s jacket, but it is missing.

“I’m sorry, what was your name?” Kevin asks, blushing.

“That’s fine. It’s obvious you’re a little busy. I’m Rachel. How’s he doing?” She asks, nodding at Avi, who has fallen asleep.

“He’s feeling better. That medicine helped a lot, but he’s still got a fever. I’m glad he hasn’t been talking. Sometimes, when he’s sick, he talks so much he loses his voice. How is he doing on your end?” Kevin asks.

“As good as can be expected,” she says. “There isn’t any rust or debris, which can make this process worse. But infections are still very serious. I’m starting him on some antibiotics, and we’ll need to keep him under observation for tonight, but you can take him home tomorrow if you want.” She explains.

Kevin knows she thinks they’re dating. He’s too tired to explain. The truest thing he can say is that they’re brothers, but he knows that won’t go over well, so he lets it be.

Avi and Kevin fall in and out of sleep for a couple hours until the band shows up. The room is fairly crowded, but Kevin is really grateful they showed up.

“We tried to get some arranging done, but we just couldn’t focus knowing that Avi is sick,” Scott explains. They all have a hand on Avi. Scott has claimed an ankle.

Mitch, who’s gripping Avi’s hand like it’s the only thing keeping him from drowning, is nearly in tears. “How’s he doing?”

Kevin reaches out for Mitch’s other hand. “The doctor says pretty well. He’s on antibiotics, and I can take him home tomorrow. We have to keep it bandaged, clean, and dry. She gave me a list of things he should eat, and they’re actually healthy, so I’ll have to stop at the store.” Kevin keeps rambling off a list of things he needs to do when Kirstie interrupts him.

“Kev, we’ll get groceries and everything you need. How about this: give us a list of things you need and we’ll go shopping. We’ll drop everything off at your house and get it ready for Avi. You just worry about the bassman, okay?” Kirstie assures him.

Kevin nods, and nods, and nods, until he’s asleep, Kirstie’s hand tight in his.

When he wakes up, it’s to Avi’s fretting. His wrist is tightly bandaged and splinted. His fever has spiked, Kevin realizes, feeling his sweaty head. He calls for the nurse, or the doctor, or anyone. The nurse walks in and measures Avi’s temperature in his ear. It beeps and reads 99 degrees. Kevin slumps back in bed, breath gusting out of him.

The nurse furrows her brow and unwraps Avi’s wrist. It looks a tad more puffy to Kevin’s inexperienced eye, but not altogether more disgusting, like he would have expected. Despite this, the nurse calls the doctor and has her look at it. The doctor bites her lip and remeasures Avi’s temperature twice. Kevin is nervous now, in a way he wasn’t before.

Rachel takes a deep breath and tells Kevin, “Let me start this off with this: Avi is okay. Avi will almost certainly be okay. However, he is very slightly worse, despite being on antibiotics. This is my plan of attack: I’m going to put him on some heavier drugs, and I’d like to keep him for longer. I want you to understand that this is okay. I’m just taking every precaution because I want him to continue to be okay. Does that make sense?” Rachel’s voice is quiet and calm and distracts Kevin from the nurse’s bustling in the background. He nods and watches intently as the nurse changes Avi’s IV.

Avi is still asleep. This reassures Kevin a little, it’s pretty usual for Avi to sleep through everything. At least this sickness hasn’t changed that. Rachel promises that this is usual — Avi’s body is taking a lot of energy to mend itself, so he’s going to be tired a lot.

His temperature winds down slowly, but it’s five the day after Avi was admitted and the doctor is saying they’re going to be another night.

Avi wakes up. He’s disoriented and grateful Kevin is there to assure him that all he has to worry about is getting better. After he’s been calmed down, Avi asks about a shower. And asks and asks until Kevin calls the nurse and she gives Avi permission to shower only if Kevin is there to make sure he doesn’t fall. Kevin wishes this was the worst thing Avi has asked him to do, but it isn’t, and even if it was, Kevin has never been able to say to no Avi’s begging eyes, so he caves and Avi gets to shower.

The hospital bathroom is tiny, but the shower has rails and the door is easy to open, in case Avi falls. The nurse gives him some shampoo and body wash. Ten minutes later, Avi opens the door and clumsily pats himself dry. Kevin dries his hair and helps into sweatpants and a soft shirt. They climb back into bed, and Kevin sings Avi to sleep.

When Avi is dead to the world, Kevin calls Mitch to update the band. He briefs them on the longer stay and requests a couple extra things from the store. Halfway through the conversation, Kevin just gives them Avi’s address and has them pick up some clothes and toiletries.

“On second thought, can you grab one of his candles, too? He’s got a couple in his bedroom. His favorite is the white one. It always calms him down.” Mitch makes an interesting noise and reads the list back to him.

Kevin thanks them for the millionth time, and for the millionth time they tell him not to worry about it. Kevin hangs up with a warm feeling in his chest and sends a text to their group message with just a heart eyes emoji, even though he isn’t really the emoji type.

After that, he calls Avi’s family, making the rounds. Starting with his parents, then Esther, then his other siblings, Kevin explains over and over what happened and let them know that Avi would be staying at Kevin’s place for a while. They were welcome to stop by, especially if they brought some treats for Avi.

They all cry, but Avi’s mom tries to convince him that Avi should come stay with her. Kevin manages to convince her out of that — Avi can’t really handle a long drive right now. Esther, on the other hand, simply thanks him for taking care of their brother. It makes Kevin cry.

The phone calls exhaust Kevin enough to send him to sleep until about five in the morning.

Avi is still laying on him, and every limb in his body is asleep and his face itches from Avi’s hair. Kevin is too wrapped around Avi’s finger to move, so he starts with shifting around until his arms are free so he can braid Avi’s hair. It isn’t pretty, but it keeps the hair from going up Kevin’s nose, for the most part. After that, he adjusts the bed so they’re sitting more than laying. It takes some of Avi’s weight off of Kevin.

This does, however, wake Avi up. He’s looking and feeling much better. There’s no fever, and his wrist is hardly even red anymore. So they leave the hospital and head to Kevin’s house, which has been prepared for a sickling by their band. On the way, they stop and grab Avi’s prescription.

When they get home, Kevin wraps Avi in a bear hug even though he just spent the better part of two days wrapped around Avi.

They hug until Avi mumbles, “bed?” in a cute little voice that makes Kevin want to wrap him in blankets and never let him leave. So Kevin brings him to bed and piles him in blankets and fluffy pillows. When Avi is settled, Kevin allows himself a quick shower. In the ten minutes, he’s gone, Avi has fallen asleep.

He’s clutching a stuffed dragon to his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have given up on titles. Help


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And you thought Avi's life couldn't get any worse.

When Avi wakes up, Mitch, Scott, and Kirstie are in his room. They’re obviously making an arrangement, talking about chords and the feel of the song and all sorts of things that Avi’s freshly awoken brain isn’t processing. “Where’s Kevin?” Is the only thing Avi’s dry throat can say before lapsing into a coughing fit.

Mitch bolts up and gives him the glass of water on his bedside table. Avi drinks a half glass before Mitch takes the glass away, much to Avi’s chagrin. “You don’t want to get sick,” Mitch says gently. “Kevin is asleep in his room. It’s been a while, so he might wake up soon. Do you want me to go get him?”

Avi shakes his head. Kevin has been pretty freaked out about Avi being sick, so he wants to let his best friend catch up on some well-deserved sleep. Avi himself is feeling pretty good, but when he slowly sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed, his friends cry out. “Guys, I promise I feel a lot better. I really want to shower. I feel gross.” Avi stands up stubbornly and doesn’t let them know about the stars that pop up behind his eyes.

“Can we at least look at your wrist beforehand? The bandages probably need to be changed.” And Avi gives in to Mitch’s pouty eyes, as everyone expected.

So Mitch untapes Avi’s wrist and winces at the ugly wound. It may be ugly, but it is a lot less red, and there is very little puss. “See!” Avi crows triumphantly. “Told you! Now, can we please bandage this again so I can shower? I’ll even put something over it so it doesn’t get wet.” Avi begs. They concede, mostly because Avi sort of reeks.

The trio clears out of Avi’s room so he can shower. Avi starts to strip, but he’s wearing a sweatshirt and he gets tangled pretty quickly. The hood is strangling him, and his right arm is stuck in the left shoulder, and Avi is all-of-a-sudden pretty tired, so he calls out for Mitch pathetically. Mitch bursts in, eyes filled with worry. He’s biting his lip, and he’s wearing some of Avi’s clothes, and Avi is starting to get hard.

Avi’s problem is solved when Mitch starts laughing at him. Nothing kills a boner faster. Thankfully, Mitch doesn’t call anyone else in and untangles Avi after taking a minute to calm down. His hand smooths down Avi’s chest. Avi’s breath hitches and that’s when it starts. The warmth that accompanies new letters, but this is different. More piercing and ripping. It feels like a knife is being pushed from the inside out, carving a letter into his chest.

It hurts, and Avi can’t help but scream. It comes from somewhere new, somewhere Avi has never felt before. It curves out of him, sharp and ruining. His throat aches but the scream continues, his lungs weak with it. This must be what regular people feel when they’re sixteen, Avi thinks underneath all the pain.

When he comes out of it, Avi is curled into a tight ball, his right hand clutching at his chest. There are crescent marks on his bicep from his overgrown nails. His hands shake.

He’s alone.

His chest says Mitch and he’s alone.

Avi starts crying and doesn’t stop even when Kevin bursts in. He thankfully doesn’t need an explanation for what just happened. “Mitch left,” Kevin says gently. He’s pressing a cold cloth to Avi’s chest and it soothes the place where that scream came from. It feels hollow now. Like that scream carved a place for itself into Avi and left before it knew what its new home could do to Avi.

Kevin wipes away tears that Avi didn’t know he was crying. “He left? Forever?”

Kevin just shakes his head and Avi starts crying harder. “He has my name too, Kev. He’s supposed to be mine and I messed it up already. I didn’t mean to, Mitch. I promise I didn’t mean too... I’ll do whatever you want if you just come back... I’m sorry,” Avi falls asleep like that, begging for Mitch and crying.

Kevin thought sick Avi was hard to bear, but this was worse. It hurt more than getting his own name. Avi finally had something he’s always wanted, and it’s torn away from him before he can do anything about it.

Kevin picks Avi up and tucks him back into bed. He walks into the kitchen to get a glass of scotch before he’s ambushed by Scott and Kirstie, who demand answers.

“This isn’t really my story to tell, you guys. I don’t know if I can tell you without asking Avi.” Kevin says slowly. His phone beeps, and he grabs it, desperate for any distraction from their glowering eyes. It’s from Avi, and it just reads, _tell them_.

“Well,” Kevin says. “I guess I’m telling you this sordid tale.”

He guides the two over to the couch and settles in. “So, Avi was left blank,” He starts with. It’s enough to make Scott and Kirstie gasp. “And he’s always been pretty broken up about it. He loves kids, and it’s been something that trips him up since it happened. It’s sort of how this whole thing started. So, one day, Avi wakes up and has an “M” on his chest. And Avi is understandably freaked out. I haven’t heard of that ever happening. He burns stress by working out, so Avi goes to the gym and beats the hell out of a bag. He switched up to a heavier bag and scraped his wrist on something then. And he’s broke, so he doesn’t go to the hospital, he just comes home and bandages it up and hopes for the best. Except it gets infected. Anyway — Avi has been getting more and more letters. When he finally told me, he had gotten an I, T, and C. He says that every time he is around Mitch for a while, he gets a new one. Tonight, I guess he got the H. And it hurt like mine did, I guess, because you heard that scream. And Mitch was in the room. So... that’s the story.” Neither of them is crying, but they do look pretty pissed. Kevin can’t tell if it’s at him, or Avi, or Mitch, or themselves, but they look madder than he’s ever seen them.

They share a long glance, and Kevin has had enough of those with Avi to know that they are making a decision. He can only hold his breath and waits. “Okay,” Scott says after a long silence. “We have to go. Tell Avi we love him and to feel better soon.” It makes Kevin feel better that they obviously aren’t mad at Avi. He doesn’t know if the man could take it, especially right now.

Kevin nods and walks them to the door. “Can you... I don’t know if Avi can talk to Mitch right now. If he’s got any plans, can you. Can you let me know? So I can prepare him or something.” Scott looks so sad for him and gives him a tight hug before assuring Kevin they would do that.

They leave, and Kevin immediately returns to his glass of scotch. He finishes it off and drinks a second one too.

Somewhere in the middle of the story, the shower had started. It turned off now, so Kevin gave Avi five minutes to get dressed before he heads into Avi’s room.

He’s standing in front of his mirror with only jeans on. His hand is blocking Mitch’s name out. It’s only slightly shaking. Kevin decides to call that an improvement.

He tells Avi what Scott said and held him while he cried some more. Before the boys go to bed, Kevin changes Avi’s bandage and makes sure his wound is still healing and that he is still taking his medicine. The right number of pills is in the bottle, and Avi’s wrist looked more like a regular wrist than it has since he first saw the gash.

They sleep in the same bed after Avi refuses to let go of Kevin.

Kevin and Avi wake up the next morning to open the shop, though Avi has promised to let Kevin do all of the work. Avi was just going to “supervise.”

It’s been four days since Avi was admitted to the hospital, but Kevin thinks he’s gone backward in overall health. He’s quiet and withdrawn, even when his favorite customer walks in, Avi won’t leave the back room.

Kevin has a stock answer for when people ask where Avi has been. “He’s a little under the weather, so he’s taking it easy until he feels better,” Kevin says for the eight millionth time. He's glad the customers love Avi so much, but he wishes they would just get their coffee and go. Kevin makes coffee and tea and hot chocolate and watches Avi out of the corner of his eye.

Kevin’s day is boring until Emily gets there. When she arrives, Kevin has to go back to his actual job. He’d taken Friday and Monday off, but if he can get back to work, everyone’s life will be easier in the long run.

“Okay, Emily. Just don’t let him actually work okay? If he tries to trick you, just call me and I’ll take care of it.” He says, casting a threatening glance in Avi’s direction. Honestly, he doesn’t think Avi will try. He seems out of it, like his mind is somewhere else entirely.

Avi is drawn out of his recollection of his sixteenth birthday when Kevin kneels in front of him. “I’ll be back after work, okay? Please try to take care of yourself. Take a nap eventually. Sing a little, finish your book. You don’t have to sit down here all day and be sad,” Kevin says, feeling Avi’s forehead with the back of his hand. Avi leans into it a little, so Kevin pulls him up into a tight hug before leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you have likely noticed, I am uploading less due to school being school, even though I only have six and a half days left... There won't be more than two more chapters, probably. So this will hopefully be finished this week(end).


	10. Chapter 10 (sexless ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, that sweet, sweet resolution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you do not want to read explicit sex scenes, read this chapter. If you DO want to read explicit sex, read the next one. Chapter 11 is Chapter 10 plus sex scene, so if you read chapter 10, you are only missing the sex. There is significant overlap between the chapters, so I highly suggest you don't read both. Here is the explanation, also found on 11: 
> 
> I'm actually a sex-repulsed ace, so this is the first (and probably last) time I have ever written a sex scene. Being ace, I know the struggle of an otherwise amazing fic being made considerably less amazing by entirely unnecessary sexy-times, so what I decided to do is have two endings.

Avi is like that for a while, sad and quiet. He is quiet through his stitches being removed, he is quiet through Kevin ‘moving out’, he is quiet through working. For the first time, he is glad that he is no longer the face of Can’t Sleep Love. Avi doesn’t think he would be able to be friendly. He just wants to sit and cry. 

Avi hasn’t heard of anyone rejecting their soulmate before. He thinks that’s what this is. A rejection. It makes his heart pound all the way down to his toes and his fingers feel numb. Every time this happens, he thinks about the steps Kevin gave him to bring himself down from a panic attack. He’s been having a lot of them lately. He knows he should see someone. It would probably help him. But he can’t bring himself to spend the money when he is barely getting by as it is.

So Avi lives like this, moving through molasses and pretending he doesn’t see the texts in the band’s group chat. Kevin sometimes tells him things — they had an arrangement meeting today, or they planned when to release the album they finished before Avi got sick, things like that. Avi isn’t sure he’s welcome back to rehearsals, and he’s too emotionally and physically exhausted to find out. He’s more scared of rejection now than he ever has been.

It’s like he’s broken. Like something inside him has been cut and frayed. The place inside him is still empty, and each breath without Mitch is like a gong, echoing in its emptiness. 

When people ask him what’s wrong, he simply says that he’s still feeling the after effects of his hospital visit. He’s distantly glad that he doesn’t have many close friends. None of them inquire further or take the time to think about the illogical nature of the empty answer. 

It’s April next time Avi cares to look at the date. Tax season. It’s late to start. He only has about two weeks until they’re due, and Avi has a lot of work to do. It’s nice, it gives him something to do that doesn’t make him interact with humans. He worked, crunching numbers and digging through receipts, until two days before the deadline. It was perfectly timed — he would review everything tomorrow and submit, and it was before they were due.

“Great news, everyone!” He said to himself quietly. He clicked save and went to sleep. He wakes up the next day, takes a brisk shower, and cooks an egg.

He wants to go to the gym after he finishes taxes up, so he slicks his hair back into a bun. There are two chunks of his hair that aren’t quite long enough, so he sprays two pins with hairspray and secures them to his head. He tosses on some joggers and a loose t-shirt and sits at his dining room table.

It’s a mess, filled with documents and granola bar wrappers, so the first thing he does is clean up. He organizes the paperwork into two piles — keep and toss. He puts all of the things he still needs into a folder and puts it with the rest of his paperwork for CSL and pitches the rest. By the time he’s done, it’s been forty minutes and the table is nearly spotless.

He pours himself another cup of coffee and reviews the numbers.

It’s the calmest and most stable he’s felt in a long time.

Until, about three-quarters of the way through his work, someone knocks on his door. “Come in,” he calls out. “Grab some coffee man. I’m at the table. I’m almost done with these damn taxes, so we can hang after that,” He says.

The expected sound of coffee being poured is missing, instead, a chair is being pulled out and sat in. Avi looks up nervously to find Mitch sitting in his house, looking like a mess. It’s obvious he doesn’t have any product in his hair, or on his face. His genetic eye bags are present and stronger than ever. Avi feels a pang of concern before Mitch opens his mouth to speak.

Nothing comes out for a long moment until he says, “I just don’t understand. I can leave you alone once I understand, but it’s driving me mad. So I just need some answers and then I can leave.” He says it all in one breath. 

“What?” Avi asks, brows furrowed and the corners of his mouth tucked down.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I told you about mine. What... what did I do? Why don’t you... why don’t you love me?” And it struck Avi that Mitch thought he rejected him, instead of the other way around.

He found himself reaching up again, as he does every so often, but now he allows himself to touch the mark. He’s been scared to touch and feel nothing when he used to feel that amazing, warm thrill. So he hasn’t touched, but now... now that he knows, he craves that warmth again.

So he pressed a finger to it, gently at first, so his whole body fills with a golden glow of slow heat. His eyes drift closed and he presses a little harder, so that shock of pleasant electricity jolts through him. He opens his eyes to see Mitch’s eyes rolled back, one hand hovering over his chest, and his other reached out to Avi. 

He presses a little harder just to see Mitch twitch a little, obviously feeling the same electricity. 

He isn’t expecting it when Mitch’s hand finally descends, pressing onto his mark. 

Avi is only a little embarrassed to say that he comes in his pants. His left hand reaches out and connects with Mitch’s, and together they soar higher and higher until they simultaneously drop their hands. They’re both flushed red and panting. It becomes obvious that Mitch had the same reaction as Avi when he makes a disgusted face and shifts in his seat. 

“Holy shit,” Avi says. “So, maybe we need to talk, but first I need to change. Do... do you want to change? You can. You could borrow something of mine. If you want,” Avi says, stuttering and nervous. He doesn’t want to push Mitch away, but he wants desperately for him to be comfortable, and secretly, he wants to see Mitch in his clothes.

Mitch nods with a stunned look in his eye, so Avi gets up and grabs a pair of sweats to give him. Mitch changes in the bathroom while Avi tosses on new boxers and joggers in his bedroom.

They meet in the living room, unable to look one another in the eye.

Mitch is fiddling with the hem on his sweatshirt, so Avi begins. “I’m going to guess that’s not what being rejected feels like,” He tries to joke. It falls flat on its face, but Mitch looks up sharply, glaring.

Before he can say anything, though, Avi continues. “You were right, sort of. I do need to explain myself. I didn’t reject you, okay? I could never reject you. I’ve been waiting for so long, and I’d laid out these beautiful plans, and I would never reject you.” Avi can’t say it enough. “I was left blank, okay? I didn’t have a tattoo for eleven years. One day, after we were hanging out... I got an “M” on my chest. And I was so excited and so scared. I still haven’t heard of anyone getting a tattoo after they’re sixteen. I was a freak again, so I didn’t tell anyone, but I kept getting more and more letters. The night I went to the gym when I got hurt,” Avi gestures at his wrist with his head. “I had just gotten a T. And I wanted the last letter to be an H, but I didn’t know, and I was scared. But I had been making plans, see. I was planning on asking you out, but after I got the last letter. I wanted to be able to show you your name. So I was biding my time, but then...” Avi sighs and wipes away tears. “Then you ran. And it was worse than not getting a mark, and it was worse than getting that last letter. I’ve been... I feel empty, all the time.” But now that Avi thinks about, he doesn’t feel empty. Or, he doesn’t feel as empty. He feels more of that warmth.

Mitch is crying silently, looking at Avi through swollen eyes. “I... I thought you didn’t tell me because you didn’t want me.” He admits. “I saw the mark and assumed the worst. So I ran. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst of you.” He looks ashamed and guilty.

Avi jumps over the table separating them and hugs Mitch. “No, please don’t. I would have done the same thing. Please, please don’t cry,” He begs, wiping away tears. He reaches for a tissue and blows his nose, then helps Mitch blow his own nose.

Avi scoops Mitch up into his arms and walks in the kitchen. He sets him on the counter and starts making hot chocolate. “Here, this fixes everything,” Avi says. Mitch wraps his hands around the warm mug and curls around it.

“I only came because Scott wouldn’t tell me. He knows, right?” Avi nods. “So he just kept saying it was something you had to tell me, so I came. I... I should’ve come earlier.” Avi shrugs.

“Honestly, I needed that time to remind myself who I was. I had gotten so wrapped up in this mark that I wasn’t myself anymore. I wouldn’t have been ready to tell you if you had come any earlier. As always, you knew.” Avi rests his head against Mitch’s shoulder. They’re more even, height-wise, now that Mitch is on the counter. “So now that we’ve done everything absolutely backward, do you want to take a nap? I know I need one,” Avi says, opening his arms to Mitch.

Mitch puts his half-empty mug on the counter and jumps into Avi’s arms, clinging to him like a baby koala. Avi stumbles backward and chuckles. "Happy birthday, Daddy," Mitch says gently. Avi smiles against Mitch's head and can feel their hearts beat together. He doesn't think he'll have trouble being happy on his birthday anymore.

"Thank you, baby," Avi replies.

They fall asleep without any sheets, wrapped tightly around each other and smiling.

They show up to rehearsal the next day with rumpled hair and wide grins, hands clasped tightly. Scott starts to cry.


	11. Chapter 10b (has smut)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just straight porn. You don't have to read this if you don't want to.
> 
> I'm going to exposition here, so you may also skip this if you so desire.
> 
> I'm actually a sex-repulsed ace, so this is the first (and probably last) time I have ever written a sex scene. Being ace, I know the struggle of an otherwise amazing fic being made considerably less amazing by entirely unnecessary sexy-times, so what I decided to do is have two endings. Chapter 10 is for people who don't want to read sex stuff. Chapter 11 is for people who do. You don't have to/probably shouldn't read both. The sex adds no plot whatsoever, it's just sex. 
> 
> It was fun to write. I hope you enjoy.

Avi is like that for a while, sad and quiet. He is quiet through his stitches being removed, he is quiet through Kevin ‘moving out’, he is quiet through working. For the first time, he is glad that he is no longer the face of Can’t Sleep Love. Avi doesn’t think he would be able to be friendly. He just wants to sit and cry. 

Avi hasn’t heard of anyone rejecting their soulmate before. He thinks that’s what this is. A rejection. It makes his heart pound all the way down to his toes and his fingers feel numb. Every time this happens, he thinks about the steps Kevin gave him to bring himself down from a panic attack. He’s been having a lot of them lately. He knows he should see someone. It would probably help him. But he can’t bring himself to spend the money when he is barely getting by as it is.

So Avi lives like this, moving through molasses and pretending he doesn’t see the texts in the band’s group chat. Kevin sometimes tells him things — they had an arrangement meeting today, or they planned when to release the album they finished before Avi got sick, things like that. Avi isn’t sure he’s welcome back to rehearsals, and he’s too emotionally and physically exhausted to find out. He’s more scared of rejection now than he ever has been.

It’s like he’s broken. Like something inside him has been cut and frayed. The place inside him is still empty, and each breath without Mitch is like a gong, echoing in its emptiness. 

When people ask him what’s wrong, he simply says that he’s still feeling the after effects of his hospital visit. He’s distantly glad that he doesn’t have many close friends. None of them inquire further or take the time to think about the illogical nature of the empty answer. 

It’s April next time Avi cares to look at the date. Tax season. It’s late to start. He only has about two weeks until they’re due, and Avi has a lot of work to do. It’s nice, it gives him something to do that doesn’t make him interact with humans. He worked, crunching numbers and digging through receipts, until two days before the deadline. It was perfectly timed — he would review everything tomorrow and submit, and it was before they were due.

“Great news, everyone!” He said to himself quietly. He clicked save and went to sleep. He wakes up the next day, takes a brisk shower, and cooks an egg.

He wants to go to the gym after he finishes taxes up, so he slicks his hair back into a bun. There are two chunks of his hair that aren’t quite long enough, so he sprays two pins with hairspray and secures them to his head. He tosses on some joggers and a loose t-shirt and sits at his dining room table.

It’s a mess, filled with documents and granola bar wrappers, so the first thing he does is clean up. He organizes the paperwork into two piles — keep and toss. He puts all of the things he still needs into a folder and puts it with the rest of his paperwork for CSL and pitches the rest. By the time he’s done, it’s been forty minutes and the table is nearly spotless.

He pours himself another cup of coffee and reviews the numbers.

It’s the calmest and most stable he’s felt in a long time.

Until, about three-quarters of the way through his work, someone knocks on his door. “Come in,” he calls out. “Grab some coffee man. I’m at the table. I’m almost done with these damn taxes, so we can hang after that,” He says.

The expected sound of coffee being poured is missing, instead, a chair is being pulled out and sat in. Avi looks up nervously to find Mitch sitting in his house, looking like a mess. It’s obvious he doesn’t have any product in his hair, or on his face. His genetic eye bags are present and stronger than ever. Avi feels a pang of concern before Mitch opens his mouth to speak.

Nothing comes out for a long moment until he says, “I just don’t understand. I can leave you alone once I understand, but it’s driving me mad. So I just need some answers and then I can leave.” He says it all in one breath. 

“What?” Avi asks, brows furrowed and the corners of his mouth tucked down.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I told you about mine. What... what did I do? Why don’t you... why don’t you love me?” And it struck Avi that Mitch thought he rejected him, instead of the other way around.

He found himself reaching up again, as he does every so often, but now he allows himself to touch the mark. He’s been scared to touch and feel nothing when he used to feel that amazing, warm thrill. So he hasn’t touched, but now... now that he knows, he craves that warmth again.

So he pressed a finger to it, gently at first, so his whole body fills with a golden glow of slow heat. His eyes drift closed and he presses a little harder, so that shock of pleasant electricity jolts through him. He opens his eyes to see Mitch’s eyes rolled back, one hand hovering over his chest, and his other reached out to Avi. 

He presses a little harder just to see Mitch twitch a little, obviously feeling the same electricity. 

He isn’t expecting it when Mitch’s hand finally descends, pressing onto his mark. 

Avi is only a little embarrassed to say that he comes in his pants. His left-hand reaches out and connects with Mitch’s, and together they soar higher and higher until they simultaneously drop their hands. They’re both flushed red and panting. It becomes obvious that Mitch had the same reaction as Avi when he makes a disgusted face and shifts in his seat. 

“Holy shit,” Avi says. “So, maybe we need to talk, but first I need to change. Do... do you want to change? You can. You could borrow something of mine. If you want,” Avi says, stuttering and nervous. He doesn’t want to push Mitch away, but he wants desperately for him to be comfortable, and secretly, he wants to see Mitch in his clothes.

Mitch nods with a stunned look in his eye, so Avi gets up and grabs a pair of sweats to give him. Mitch changes in the bathroom while Avi tosses on new boxers and joggers in his bedroom.

They meet in the living room, unable to look one another in the eye.

Mitch is fiddling with the hem on his sweatshirt, so Avi begins. “I’m going to guess that’s not what being rejected feels like,” He tries to joke. It falls flat on its face, but Mitch looks up sharply, glaring.

Before he can say anything, though, Avi continues. “You were right, sort of. I do need to explain myself. I didn’t reject you, okay? I could never reject you. I’ve been waiting for so long, and I’d laid out these beautiful plans, and I would never reject you.” Avi can’t say it enough. “I was left blank, okay? I didn’t have a tattoo for eleven years. One day, after we were hanging out... I got an “M” on my chest. And I was so excited and so scared. I still haven’t heard of anyone getting a tattoo after they’re sixteen. I was a freak again, so I didn’t tell anyone, but I kept getting more and more letters. The night I went to the gym when I got hurt,” Avi gestures at his wrist with his head. “I had just gotten a T. And I wanted the last letter to be an H, but I didn’t know, and I was scared. But I had been making plans, see. I was planning on asking you out, but after I got the last letter. I wanted to be able to show you your name. So I was biding my time, but then...” Avi sighs and wipes away tears. “Then you ran. And it was worse than not getting a mark, and it was worse than getting that last letter. I’ve been... I feel empty, all the time.” But now that Avi thinks about, he doesn’t feel empty. Or, he doesn’t feel as empty. He feels more of that warmth.

Mitch is crying silently, looking at Avi through swollen eyes. “I... I thought you didn’t tell me because you didn’t want me.” He admits. “I saw the mark and assumed the worst. So I ran. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst of you.” He looks ashamed and guilty.

Avi jumps over the table separating them and hugs Mitch. “No, please don’t. I would have done the same thing. Please, please don’t cry,” He begs, wiping away tears. He reaches for a tissue and blows his nose, then helps Mitch blow his own nose.

Avi scoops Mitch up into his arms and walks in the kitchen. He sets him on the counter and starts making hot chocolate. “Here, this fixes everything,” Avi says. Mitch wraps his hands around the warm mug and curls around it.

“I only came because Scott wouldn’t tell me. He knows, right?” Avi nods. “So he just kept saying it was something you had to tell me, so I came. I... I should’ve come earlier.” Avi shrugs.

“Honestly, I needed that time to remind myself who I was. I had gotten so wrapped up in this mark that I wasn’t myself anymore. I wouldn’t have been ready to tell you if you came any earlier. As always, you knew.” Avi rests his head against Mitch’s shoulder. They’re more even, height-wise, now that Mitch is on the counter. “So now that we’ve done everything absolutely backward, do you want to take a nap? I know I need one,” Avi says, opening his arms to Mitch.

Mitch puts his half-empty mug on the counter and jumps into Avi’s arms, clinging to him like a baby koala. Avi stumbles backward and chuckles. Mitch yelps a little and glares at Avi for the sudden motion. “I’ll never drop you, Mitchie. Never er’,” Avi promises solemnly. He bounces Mitch up a little bit so he’s more comfortably situated, Mitch’s thighs resting on Avi’s hips. Mitch leans forward, nestling his head into Avi’s neck.

Their chests touch and Avi almost blacks out. Whatever he felt before was child's play compared to this. This is rockets, this is... this is undescribable. He comes again, feeling Mitch buck against his stomach, feeling him stiffen and orgasm. Mitch is shaking and still humping against Avi, and he’s so sensitive it almost hurts.

Avi stumbles to the bedroom, leaning his meaty shoulders against walls for a little break now and then. By the time he’s reached the bed, Mitch has finally shaken himself out of whatever trance he was in. 

“I told you I’d never drop you,” Avi whispers into his ear, letting his hot breath ghost across his neck. He licks at the goosebumps that pop up on Mitch's neck.

Mitch moans, and it’s so dirty and filthy that Avi gets hard again, so hard it hurts, his dick pressing up against the zipper, the friction almost pleasant. They collapse on the bed while Mitch is yanking at Avi’s shirt. “Daddy... Get it off!” Mitch whines, and god there’s a kink Avi never knew he had. He doesn’t stop at his shirt, shedding all of his clothes and yanking Mitch out of his too-big sweatshirt and pants. 

They pause for a minute, both just looking at the other, panting and sweaty. Avi is the first to move, his head leaning down until their lips are just millimeters apart. His pink lips part just a little, and he waits. And waits. Until Mitch’s neck extends just a little, and they’re crashing together. It’s full of passion and gentle loving, but it’s fierce too. Mitch bites and nips at Avi’s lips until he yanks Mitch’s hands up and pins them on the bed above them, wrists crossed and fingers relaxed. Avi grips both of Mitch’s hands in one of his, using his left hand to hold Mitch’s face, stroking the short hair above his ear.

Avi can feel Mitch’s grin against his mouth and his unbridled lust and thrill through his mark. Still grasping Mitch’s hands, Avi’s mouth works his way down Mitch’s body, stopping and sucking deep marks into his skin. Avi's only satisfied when there are three or four on his neck, over the sharpest tendons and deepest crevices. He works his way lower and lower until he reaches Mitch’s little nipples. He sucks one into his mouth and loves the way Mitch arches against him. He sucks again, harder. Avi releases the nipple with a satisfying pop and admires it for a second, red and purple and shiny with his spit. 

He moves over to the other side, repeating the process until Mitch is almost crying with pleasure and yanking his hands downward. Avi releases them so he can continue licking his way down Mitch’s body. 

Mitch yanks the hair tie out of Avi’s hair and Avi grunts at the pain until it slowly turns into pleasure. Mitch is pulling gently, smirking down at Avi’s surprised face. “You don’t even know how hot it is that you have all the same kinks as me,” Mitch says. He reaches down and tugs not-so-gently on Avi’s nipple before returning his hand to Avi’s messy hair. “I didn’t give you permission to stop, did I, Daddy?” Avi looks at Mitch’s seductive face and falls into its trap. He continues licking his way down, avoiding Mitch’s tempting cock to explore everything about his beautiful man. “Don’t touch my feet,” Mitch snaps. 

Avi shrugs. He’s never really been into feet anyways, so he moves back up, slowly, until he reaches the thing they’ve both been waiting for. Mitch’s dick is nestled in a dark bush of hair. He has a piercing in the head, and Avi is excited to suck on it. 

He licks up from the bottom and sucks on just the head, letting his tongue explore the piercing. He bobs lower and lower until he can feel the now-warm piercing nudging the entrance to his throat. He backs off, coughing a little, but he continues sucking on what he can fit in his mouth, his hand touching the rest. His other hand is fondling Mitch’s balls, rolling them and squeezing them.

“Wait!” Mitch calls. Avi stops and jerks up, looking at Mitch. He scrambles to get off the bed, apologizing. “No, no, stay here, sorry, I just want... I want to come when you’re inside me. For the first time. And you’re...” Mitch trails off, looking at Avi’s swollen lips and letting his tongue poke out. It runs across his lips and Avi understands. “You’re really good at that,” He follows up weakly. 

Avi nods, and says, “Of course, baby,” Mitch tosses his head back a little. “But there’s one other thing I want to do before we get there.” Mitch nods his blinding trust.

So Avi grabs Mitch and yanks him down the bed. He throws his legs over his shoulders and grips Mitch’s thighs, pulling him further and further down the bed until he’s positioned perfectly. Avi goes to town. He spits on Mitch’s ass, licks across it, and fucks into it with his tongue. He adds one finger, then two, then three into the mix. “Do you want another one?” Avi asks Mitch, who’s head is thrown back against the mattress. He hasn’t said anything but groans and something along the lines of ‘oh fuck, yeah,’ for about fifteen minutes, but now he shakes his head.

“I want it to burn a little, daddy. Is that okay?” Mitch looks down at Avi, biting his lip. Avi’s eyes roll back into his head a little as he nods.

He gets out of bed, ignoring Mitch’s whimpers, to get a condom and some lube. He picks Mitch up and places him on the pillows, letting him readjust himself until he’s comfortable.

Then, Avi gets into the bed and eases into Mitch. He’s tight, and it has to burn because Mitch lets out a long, low groan. Still though, when Avi hesitates, he reaches back and grabs a handful of chest hair, yanking him forward until he’s buried all the way in Mitch’s ass. The yank reveals the same beautiful mix of pleasure-pain as it did before, and Avi shudders once before fucking Mitch with earnest. Mitch groans and curses and encourages him, his hips canting up to meet Avi’s with each vicious thrust. At one point, Avi reaches down or maybe Mitch reaches up, but their lips meet and it’s more breathing in each other’s air than it is kissing, but it adds enough fuel to Avi’s fire that he groans out, “Now, baby. Come for me, Mitchie,” And they come together at once. Mid-orgasm, Mitch reaches up and presses his whole hand on Avi’s tattoo, and Avi instinctively does the same. 

It’s better still than it was before. 

When Avi returns to consciousness, Mitch has already cleaned the both of them up. He gives Avi a glass of water to chug before clambering into bed and wiggling his way into Avi’s tired arms. "Happy birthday, Daddy," Mitch whispers gently. Avi smiles against Mitch's head and can feel their hearts beat together. He doesn't think he'll have trouble being happy on his birthday anymore.

"Thank you, baby," Avi replies.

They fall asleep without any sheets, wrapped tightly around each other and smiling. They show up to rehearsal the next day with rumpled hair and wide grins, hands clasped tightly. Scott starts to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all - I'm only posting this because it forces me to finish it if I have people reading what I'm writing, so this copy may change drastically week to week and update to update depending on when I catch the many, many tense fuck-ups (yes, I know. My biggest weakness reveals itself), or when the storyline develops in a way that doesn't fit with what is already posted. If something changes enough that you need to reread previous posts, I will do my best to alert you in a note at the beginning of the post. 
> 
> If you see something wrong, like something seriously OOC, or offensive, or a typo, I am BEGGING you to let me know. If you aren't comfortable posting it in public comments, you can send me a DM on my tumblr, imherefordogs.tumblr.com.


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